Falling Out Of Grace
Written in November of 2015.
During times of extreme change I become quiet. Private, maybe, is a better description. Either way, I have been going through one of those periods for a few months, and I feel ready to talk about it now.
It's very clear to me all of the sudden how far I've fallen from myself over the last bit.
I can't say when or how this happened. It's been happening so slowly that I didn't even realize anything was really changing; but overtime I stopped being my best self. I have felt private, bored, un-inspired, uninterested and very, very alone. And it's not me.
I think it took a round of earth shattering, rock-bottom-hitting sickness to wake me up from the comfortable trap I've created for myself; and the hard part about this is that once you're awake- you stay awake.
Awareness is a double edged sword, isn't it? Once you know better, then you do better, right? The flip side of this is that you actually have to change your behavior.
If the only constant in this life is change, then why is it so damn hard? Why is it scary? Why does it feel like a huge burden to get everyone around you to accept your change?
I admit, I've been very uninterested in half ass friendships; letting go of anyone who's not letting me be the best me.Which, unfortunately, has been many. Which, here comes the double edged sword again- I feel alone. Which to me, makes it hard for me to want to make the change, without altering everything in my life.
Intimidating, isn't it?
Now that I've realized I need to make the changes, I've opened my eyes to all the aspects of my life that will have to change to bring back the best me. Between work, platonic relationships, activities, you get it, the list goes on.
But, change sparks fear.
Fear from everyone. Myself, and others.
Because I've dug myself so deep, that now it's come to extreme change.
You sip the poison so slowly, you don't notice the symptoms until you're choking on your death bed.
What I've realized is, I was so afraid of making any ripple that I became dormant.
I was afraid that once I changed the first thing, feeling alone would become very real. And I wasn't sure I was ready for it. Which was frightening.
That is when it hit me.
"If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company."
One of my favorite quotes that, unfortunately, gathered dust in my mind for some time now.
This change- the extreme change, the one that may alter my entire life, is a good thing.
Bringing the best me, the me me back, won't be scary. It won't be scary, because I'll be myself again. Passionate, inspired, driven by life, once again. And if that requires my life to be turned upside down, I'll do it with a smile.
Bring on the ripples, because I'm no longer afraid.